A Guest in Gryffindor
by Evie2
Summary: Hear ye Hear ye! Hell has frozen over, and pigs fly above.Severus is rooming in...GRYFFINDOR.Games are played, insanity ensues, penguin hunting - now with mentally unstable Sevy! oh, socks are here, too.
1. Up In Red Smoke

Disclaimer/Notes: I don't own these characters. I also don't own Ashley Mangin, who has a small part in this yummy tid bit of story-ness. She's my best friend's little sister. :) Enjoy.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
A dense, red smoke filled the fifth year Slytherin boys' dorm. Lucius Malfoy, Severus Snape, Victor Crabbe, and Roberto (A/N: i ask you, why the hell not `roberto'?) Goyle came stumbling out of the haze. They finally made their way to a window, where they had their second encounter with lunch.   
"I'm going to KILL those damn Gryffindors!" Lucius growled.  
Snape felt his whirling head settle back on his shoulders and did some quick thinking. "They must of used `The Drift of Forgetfulness'. Clever of them. It won't come out for days."  
"What's that do?" the pathetically slow Victor Crabbe asked.  
"It'll temporarily make you forget everything," Snape explained.  
"Oh," he said, feigning a look of comprehension. "What's it do?"  
Snape and Lucius groaned.  
"Mummy! Where's my Mummy!" Goyle cried.  
Once again, Snape and Lucius gave exasperated groans, and did not hear the chuckling that came from the corner (guess who?). Chuckling, like *invisible* chuckling. As in, under an *invisibility cloak* chuckling. Such as....okay...moving on.....  
"It's going to take a special potion to lift this," Snape said. "One that we can only get..." he inwardly cursed, "from Dumbledore."  
Goyle curled up in the fetal position and began to cry.  
"There's got to be a way around him! I don't want to explain what we did to deserve this!" Lucius whined. (A/N: quit whining you lousy twit)  
"Quit whining," Snape muttered, "it's the only way."   
And so, they picked up their infantile friends and started on their way.  
  
Okay okay, I gotta good one....alright, this spoiled brat, a human producer of motor oil, and two gorrillas walk into the headmaster's office...oh, you've heard it. *damn* moving on......grumble grumble.......  
  
Dumbledore laughed as he personally administered the last of the potion to Crabbe and Goyle. He had insisted on doing it himself so he could hear the story, which was a convincing lie (or so Snape hoped) about a potions assignment gone awry. "Well, as amusing as that story was, we've got quite the problem on our hands. No matter how much magic you want to use, that smoke won't clear for four days, sometimes five. We'll have to find you a different dorm to stay in," Dumbledore said.  
"We could stay with the Slytherin sixth years," Lucius suggested, "or in the common room."  
"No, I'd rather have you with some boys in your own year," Dumbledore said, pulling out a sheet of parchment. "Besides, the sixth year dorm is full." The parchment he scanned listed the dorms of all the houses and their occupants.  
Snape felt his stomach tightening into a knot.  
"Let's see now... Mr. Crabbe and Mr. Goyle will be with the Hufflepuffs. Lucius, you will room with Ravenclaw. And that leaves you, Severus..." He paused and scanned the list, frowning as he did so. "Ah! Here's an empty bed for you in Gryffindor!"  
Snape's heart exploded within his chest and he died instantly, the greasy git. Okay, so he didn't, but for a minute, he thought that he had.  
"But, Headmaster, couldn't I stay with Lucius in Ravenclaw?" He begged, a little of Lucius's trademark whine sneaking into his voice.  
"I'm sorry, Severus, but there's no room. Besides, maybe we'll be able to bridge that ungodly gap between your two houses, eh?" He smiled, fully aware of how large that ungodly gap was. "I was in Gryffindor myself one time. I can assure you a comfortable stay."  
Severus opened his mouth to protest, but Dumbledore hurriedly continued. "Now! I'm sure you boys will want to be on your way. I'll have some of your personal items duplicated and sent to you, as the ones in your room are contaminated. Your new roommates have already been informed of your arrival, and escorts await you outside."  
The two unwilling boys and the two boys who were too stone-stupid to understand what was going on headed out of his office. "Toodles!" Dumbledore called after them.  
Sure enough, Severus came face-to-face with a young girl with brown hair and a Gryffindor seal on her robes as he stepped out the office door. He eyed her suspiciously.  
"Do you room in the boys' dorm?" he asked snidely.  
The girl growled, and a demented look came into her eye. "No, you spoon, I'm a representitive."  
"Oh, well, that makes sense," he cynically said.  
Suddenly, the girl was cheerful. Frighteningly so. "Let's go!" she said, jumping onto his back.  
Severus gave a yelp. "What do you think you're doing?"  
"Piggy back ride!" the girl said, clapping her hands like a child. (A/N: you're right, Ashley, that sounds like something I would do, not you.)  
"But I don't even know you? WHO ARE YOU?"  
"Ashley Mangin. Now, FORWARD MARCH!"  
Severus gave Lucius one pleading glance and dragged himself and the spaz away. Meanwhile, back in Dumbledore's office.....  
  
"This is really cruel. You do know that, don't you?" Dumbledore asked me.  
(A/N: oh, albus, you don't mean that. you think it's just as funny as i do)  
"Yes, of course I find it funny, but I wasn't talking about the plot. I was talking about making your readers go through this entire chapter before they get to anything remotely humorous."  
(A/N: thanks for the vote of confidence.)  
"I find the plot simply charming. That's why I helped you with it. I'd never make a Slytherin and a Gryffindor room together if I didn't know they were in your capable hands. Say....where are the socks?"  
(A/N: oh, they're coming. they'll always be...around)  
"Ah, good then. It isn't an Evie story without troublesome stockings!" He looked at the clock. "I dare say it's past my bedtime. Good night."  
(A/N: good night, albie)  
"Oh, and Evie, do try to keep your eyes off Mr. Lupin while he's in the shower this story. We don't want a repeat of `Marauders:Exposed', now do we?"  
(A/N: hey, i happen to like that story!)  
"Yes, I suppose you would."  
(A/N: careful, or you'll find yourself in a relationship with mcgonnagal)  
A femine voice sounded from the next room. "Albus, are you coming to bed?"  
(A/N: *the author pales* well, there goes my idle threat)  
Dumbledore chuckled and went to bed. We won't talk about the rest. (shudder)  
***i know that this chapter was too long and boring, but it's about to get better, i promise....next chapter, severus's first night in the gryffindor dorms. not quite as innocent as it seems...then again, it never is when sirius black and i have teamed up together*** 


	2. OH DEAR LORD! IT'S....nothing to get exc...

Disclaimer/Notes: I don't own these characters, or Ashley Mangin, because she is a person and it'd be kind of creepy if I owned her, wouldn't it? I also don't own the plot; it's on sale at ebay for $4.99 and dropping.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Can't you get down now?" Severus said as soon as they were inside Gryffindor tower.  
She sighed. "I suppose so." She hopped onto the floor and nearly landed on Peter Pettigrew.  
Snape's back cracked several times as he tried his best to slid his plates back into place. He was almost tempted to lie down on one of the couches in the common room. They looked comfy. That was odd. Comfy couches. They didn't have any of those in the Slytherin Tower. Looking around, Snape noticed there were a lot of differences, the most notable being the temperature. The room was warm and bright and inviting. Everything he stood against.   
The only other person in the room was Peter Pettigrew, who Ashley didn't hesitate to kick in the shins.  
"OW!" he yelped. "What was that for?"  
"I know what happens, I read all four books, and trust me, you deserved that," Ashley said.  
"Books? What the..." Snape was confused. (A/N: DUH)  
"Never mind," Peter said, waving a dismissive hand. "She's just as crazy as her boyfriend." Snape raised an eyebrow. "Sirius," Peter answered the unspoken question. "C'mon, follow me." Peter trudged off up a flight of stairs.  
Like in his own house, each year had its own hallway that lead to the dorm room. As Snape walked down the particular hallway, he felt a knot reappearing in his stomach.  
*last time i eat bungee jumping cord on a dare* he thought bitterly.  
Okay, so he didn't actually think that, but it would be funny if he did. Actually, he was thinking about the many ways he might die over the next four nights. Fire, flood, murder, invasion of three-toed sloths.... hey, you never know. It wasn't until Peter opened the door to the dorm room when revelation struck Severus like an angry housewife and ran away with his dignity. He was going to be annoyed to death.  
  
***DUN DUN DUN! yes! annoyed to death! this is going to be so much fun! now, keep reading!*** 


	3. The First Signs of Madness - Night One

Disclaimer/Notes: I don't own these characters.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Snape halted in his tracks as he stared at the scene inside the door. He imagined that at any other time, the bedroom would have looked nice. (he was wrong, by the way) The room was decorated in the firmiliar red and gold. There were five beds in all; three against the right wall and two against the left wall. One of those on the left had his duplicated objects already scattered and picked through on the mattress. The floor was wooden, and big, bright windows filled one wall. A single desk was stationed near the door, covered in parchment rolls of copied homework. In the center of the room was a big, squishy, red and gold throw rug. On top of the throw rug, Remus Lupin was struggling wildly to escape the clutches of Sirius Black and James Potter. Sirius caught his ankle as he tried to crawl away. It didn't look like James was going to be much help; it appeared he'd been kicked in a rather unmentionable place.  
"Peter! Peter, help! We've been attacked by a werewolf!" Sirius said in mock horror. (A/N: oh, by the way, in my lil' universe, snape found out about remus' inner wolf during third year. read "Wrong On So Many Levels", also written by moi)  
Peter rushed to his aid and held a squirming Remus in place by sitting on him. Sirius dragged him to his feet, keeping his hands bound behind his back. They seemed to notice Snape for the first time.  
"Severus! So nice of you to join us!" Sirius said, as though he was greeting an old friend.  
"I didn't really have a choice," he answered bitterly.  
Sirius ignored that little remark. "Come on in and sit down! For your own safety, we need to have a little chat about the rules."  
Severus groaned and sat down on what he presumed was his bed, considering his stuff was thrown all over it. Pettigrew and Potter (obviously somewhat recovered) sat down on the edge of the rug, a much more willing audience to Black's antics. Remus sighed, rolled his eyes, and prepared himself for whatever humiliation was imminent.  
"One of the most important things you have to learn if you're going to live here is how to subdue a werewolf," Black began.  
"Good grief," the aforementioned werewolf moaned.  
Black, entirely undaunted, continued. "Now, to control the typical werewolf, one must take severe measures. These include silver bullets, a number of experimental drugs, including wolfsbane, and beheading."  
Lupin gave Snape a pleading glance. He shrugged his shoulders, but Black kept a tight grip.  
"Fortunately for us, we've never had to use these."  
"Pity," Snape said, "I'd like to see that particular beheading."  
"Shut up you," Potter snapped, and gestured for Black to continue.  
"Thank you, mon ami," Black said. Potter groaned at the unnecessary use of French.  
"Sorry, my friend has a penchant for the dramatic," Potter apologized to Snape, which almost knocked Snape off his seat. (A/N: cookies to anyone who can tell me what movie the dialog's paraphrased from)  
"Shut up you," Black snapped and continued. "As I was saying," he shot a glare at Potter, "this particular werewolf has a weakness that's rather hard not to take advantage of. Remus," he paused, cradling the other shoe before he let it drop, "is ticklish."  
Lupin's eyes widened in horror. He dropped to his knees at the first poke in his side, and did his best to curl up in a fetal position while covering his sides. Potter and Pettigrew jumped in on the fun.  
"No! No! Stop it! Somebody, help!" Remus cried, trying to wiggle away from his friends. Severus surprised himself, as well as everyone else in the room, by laughing.  
"WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE?"   
The door flew open and Lily Evans stood against the wall, arms folded over her chest, eyes shooting a glare that could melt a block of ice.  
"Aw, Lily darling, we weren't doing much," James cooed, still perched on Remus' chest.  
"We weren't doing nothing we ain't done before," Pettigrew said, trying to look innocent.  
"Exactly my point!" Evans said, taking on the tone of an angry mother. Severus almost groaned out loud when he saw Ashley Mangin, a.k.a the psycho bitch, follow her into the room. Evans grabbed Potter and Black by their ears and started in on a ten minute lecture about how they should be nice to their friend and how immature they were. Remus took this oppertunity to crawl into a corner.  
"Now say you're sorry!" Lily demanded once her speech was over.  
"Sorry," the three of them muttered.  
"You should be," Lupin smugly responded. "You're going to pay for that."  
"Now you boys behave yourseves. I'm going to bed," Lily said, and strode out the door, they crazy girl following her. "That means you, too," she said, poking her head back inside the door and pointing a threatening finger at Snape.  
"I wasn't even involved!" he called as she walked away.  
"Like that matters," Black said. "You're guilty by association."  
"I am NOT associated with you four," he growled.  
"Aw, Sevy, my feelings are hurt," Black snickered.  
"Don't call me that," he warned.  
"Call you what Sevy?" Potter asked.  
"Nevermind," he grumbled.  
"Anyway, the only other things you need to know," Sirius went on with the rules lecture as though nothing had disturbed it, "are pretty simple. You have to watch out for the socks."  
"Socks?" Severus asked, raising a skeptical eyebrow.  
"Do NOT underestimate the socks!" Remus said, finally coming out of the protection of his corner.  
"Why?" Snape asked, wondering if he was right to be fearing the three-toed sloths instead of the sock menace.  
"They'll attack if you keep your back turned," Potter explained, "and they've been known to attempt to mate with Peter."  
"I actually feel sorry for you," Snape said to Pettigrew.  
"Other than that, just try to keep your evil comments to yourself, we'll do the same, and everyone's happy. Deal?" Black said, holding out his hand.  
"Deal," Snape said, not shaking his hand.  
"Fine then. I'm taking a shower," Sirius said, retreating to the wash room that every dorm came equipped with. (A/N: damned nice dorm, eh?)  
To Snape's surprise, he left the door to the wash room open, something they NEVER did in Slytherin. James noticed this.  
"Well, it's not like any of us are going to go spying on him," he explained. "You guys in Slytherin must be awfully insecure."  
"Are not," Snape said, for lack of a better comeback.  
"Anyway, I should have said that MOST of us won't go spying on him," James continued, raising an amused eye brow at Remus.  
"For the last time, that was an accident! And it was two years ago!" Remus said, hiding his face in his pillow from embarressment.  
"Like hell it was!" Sirius yelled from under the running water.  
Remus gave an exasperated yell, which was muffled by the pillow he had over his face.  
"I don't think it's actually possible for you to smother yourself that way," Snape said. "Would you like some help?"  
"Don't even think about it," James warned. "We don't like to encourage his suicidal tendencies."  
"I wouldn't have those tendencies if you guys were able to just let stuff like that drop," Remus said, taking his head out of the pillow.  
James shrugged and started to flip through a magazine. Silence settled over the room. Snape decided to put some of his things away in the dresser next to his bed. It looked like he was actually stuck here. He was reminded of something as he went through his things.  
"Um, why was my stuff all spread out when I got here?" he asked.  
"Because we went through it," James said, not even bothering to look up from his magazine.  
Snape spent several minutes searching for a response, but gave up on it. Silence slithered back into the room like a three-toed sloth. (A/N: i don't know, i just don't know) The sloth-like silence was broken by a gasp from the shower room.  
"Lily!" Sirius said in a surprised voice. "Lily, not now, James will hear!"  
In an instant, the magazine was on the floor and James had a wand in his hand. He sent a spell flying into the shower room, which was followed a second later by a yelp.  
"Ah! Ah! Cold water! Make it stop!"  
"Then stop thinking about my girlfriend while you're naked!" James said. He reversed the spell, and the water must have returned to its normal temperature because Sirius' whining stopped.  
"Who says I'm naked?"  
"Well, you *are* in the shower. I just assumed," James said, picking the magazine up off the floor. "Then again, Remus would know for sure, wouldn't he?"  
Everyone laughed, besides Remus. He was once again trying to smother himself with the pillow.  
"Somebody get me a noose for my birthday," he said, the words barely audible.  
Sirius started an off-key medley of Beatles songs in the next room. The Marauders all groaned, but Snape found himself being lulled to sleep. He was out like a light by the middle of "Obladi Oblada". That was his first big mistake.  
  
***you'll soon see what that mistake is. please review and tell me if i should continue this story or not! thank you!*** 


	4. It's Always Awkward the Morning After

Disclaimer/Notes: I don't own these characters, although I admit some are falling so far OOC, it's becoming hazy....(in the background, her lawyer holds up a big sign reading "NO") Okay, okay, I own nothing. Oh, and an update, this plot is being sold on ebay. The price has dropped to $3.99. Thanks.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Upon waking up, Severus searched his mind for a rational explaination as to why in the world he was in Gryffindor Tower. Not finding a plausable one, he had to settle for the completely insane and impossible one that the author thought up way back in chapter one. Next, he began to search for an excuse as to why he was bright red (with gold hair). He found none. Because of this, he walked over to the other bed on the left side of the room and woke up James Potter in a very courteous way. He slapped him up-side the head. James didn't bother to open up his eyes.  
"You better give me two good reasons why you did that, or I'll set Remus on you," James said through gritten teeth.  
"My skin is red, and my hair is gold."  
James opened his eyes, and a wide, goofy smile enveloped his face. "Oh yeah, I'd forgotten about that. Oye, Padfoot, WAKE UP!"  
This woke both Sirius and Peter up. One look at Snape, and they were both laughing hysterically.  
"Oh, Sevy, that look is soooo you!" Sirius said through gasps.  
"Who do I kill first?" Severus growled.  
"He's asleep, take him," Peter pointed to Remus.  
"How in the world is he sleeping through this?" Severus asked, just about having enough of these strange, obviously mentally disturbed people.  
"We don't know. It's a medical miracle," Sirius said. "Ooh, watch this!"  
He walked over to Remus' bed and pulled his sleeping form onto the floor, his head making a clunk sound as it hit the floor. He rolled over, mumbled in his sleep, and continued to snooze. Just then, a fleet of socks rushed out from under the bed. They lined up on one side of his body and pushed him under the bed. Severus' anger was ebbed in a sudden rush of awe.  
"I have to admit, that's impressive."  
"That's nothing," James waved a hand dismissively. "This one time, we got this ferret from...well, never mind where we got it from...anyway, Remus had these loose pajama pants on, and we-"  
James enthusiastically shared a story that, frankly, this author isn't so enthusiastic to share. A story that was so incredible, Severus actually forgot that he was red and gold. Suddenly, Remus awoke with a start.  
"OH SHIT!"   
"What?" came a chorus of four.  
"We're gonna be late for class!" Remus scrambled out of light blue pajamas with teddy bears on them (A/N: aw....) and into his robes. (A/N: .....you're right. that comment WASN'T necessary)  
"You just wanted to see him undress," Sirius said, pointing an accusing finger at the ceiling. (A/N: *blushing* shut up padfoot!)  
"And he's talking to....?" Severus asked.  
"We've been asking that for years," James said, grabbing his rucksack and shoving the remainder of his books in it. He picked a comb up off the dresser and looked at it in a moment of indeciveness.  
"Jamsie, do you really think it'll do any good?" Sirius asked, spitting out toothpaste.  
"True enough," he said, throwing the comb on the floor. The five of them ran out the door. That was when Severus remembered that he was still red and gold.  
"Change me back!" he demanded, trying to keep up with the Marauders as they dashed down the stairs to the Potions room at a speed that would make Michael Johnson piss his pants.  
"Can't!" James yelled over his shoulder. "You're stuck like that for three more hours!"  
"THREE MORE HOURS?!" Severus tripped on the hem of his robes and went flying down the stairs, taking all four Marauders with him. They wound up in a jumble in front of the Potions room.  
"Well, well, looks like you're having a much rougher time than I am," Lucius said with a smirk on his face.  
"Wipe that smirk off your face," Snape grumbled. (A/N: here here! or is it, hear hear! oh well.....)  
"Why weren't you at breakfast?" Lucius asked. "And why are you multi-colored?"  
"About the coloring, that will eventually go away," he threw James a posionous glare, "and as for breakfast, I was wrapped up in a most engaging story about a ferret."  
Remus looked positively scandalized as they sat down for class. "You told him the ferret story?!" He buried his head in his arms. "I feel so...violated."  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
In a sense, Severus was happy that he had classes to take his mind off things. Once the coloring had gone away, it seemed like he might even had a good day. And everyone deserves a good day on Friday! (except Peter) That all changed at lunch.  
Severus, of course, sat down with his fellow Slytherin lackies at lunch and started to discuss their present living arrangements. It was agreed that Snape had it the worst, but still, Lucius was whining about Ravenclaw non-stop. (A/N: i swear, that kid whines ONE MORE TIME during this entire story, and the three-toed sloths are going to have to open a can of whoop-ass) That was when Sirius Black sat down. At the Slytherin table. Sirius Black, at the Slytherin table. The entire hall held it's breath as Sirius threw an arm around Snape's shoulders, and then burst into a loud babble of gossip. Immediently, Satan applied for central heating. (A/N: because hell froze over. get it? of course you do, think you're so smart, eh? whatever)  
"Sevy! How's lunch?" he said, taking a bite of Severus' lasagna.  
"Just take the rest and leave me alone," he said bitterly, pushing his plate of what he now considered contaminated food towards Black.  
"Hey, thanks!" he said, chowing down. "Say, I was thinking," he pondered with his mouth full, "are you going to wash your hair anytime soon? Because seeing as we're ROOMMATES now," he shouted for the whole Slytherin table to hear, "you might as well get on our shower schedule."  
"I do NOT want to discuss this with you, Black," Snape grumbled. "I'm using the Slytherin sixth years' shower, the same as my friends."  
"Aw, that's a pity," Sirius said, pushing the empty plate away, "Ashley and Lily left the most wonderful smelling vanilla shampoo in there for us to use."  
"WHAT?" Crabbe, Goyle, and Lucius all exclaimed, their eyes popping out of their heads. "Girls use your showers?" Lucius asked in disbelief. "Maybe you don't have it so bad after all......"  
"No way," Black interrupted. "Lily is James', and Ashley's mine."  
"My condolences," Snape sneered.  
"Ashley?" Goyle asked stupidly (A/N: how else would he ask?)  
"Yeah. She's a psychotic kleptomaniac, but I love her anyway," Black answered.  
"Kleptomaniac?" Snape asked.  
"Yeah." Something flashed over Black's face. "You didn't give her a piggy back ride, did you?"  
"Against my will, yes," Snape answered. "Why?"  
"I hope you don't keep your wallet in your back pocket." (A/N: do wizards have back pockets? and if so, would they need a wallet? oh well)  
Severus felt for his wallet (a.k.a. he grabbed his butt, hee hee). "Dammit!"  
"Don't worry, you'll get it back," Sirius said cryptically. He got up and walked away from the table. Just when he thought he was safe, Severus heard Black call, "See you tonight, Roomie!"   
The Slytherin table was besides itself with laughter. Snape blushed almost as red as he had been earlier that day. Gryffindor Tower was beginning to look like the pits of hell. And Sirius Black was most certainly Satan. 


	5. One Hell of a Caffeine Buzz - Night Two

Disclaimer/Notes: I don't own these characters. Or Ashley Mangin, I think her sister's trying to sell her to Satan, though. Maybe you could get in on the bid, if you feel like it. Speaking of bids, I have over ten reviews now, so the price of my plot on ebay has jumped to $5.99. Yippy! Hey, THIS IS IMPORTANT!!!!! Can someone PLEASE tell me what ROFL mean??? Please? It's driving me nuts, I can not figure it out! (throws a fit) Stop, stare, continue..... there's nothing to see here, folks, show's over.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Severus trudged up the stairs to Gryffindor Tower, now that he knew where it was. He was not looking forward to this. At all. True, it wasn't as bad as it could be.... Instead of being insulted and abused by Potter and his lackeys (A/N: gotta love that word) at every turn, he was being embarrassed. And annoyed. Annoyed......to death! (A/N: a couple people said they liked that line, so it came back in all its splendor and glory!) So, it wasn't as bad as it could be. Then again, that wasn't saying much.  
He took a deep breath, sighed, and opened the door to the dorm room. After a quick inspection, with no sloths (whose menace was quietly fading back into the amazons of "who cares?" world) (A/N: oh trust me, by the end of this fic, you WILL care) or rebellious socks in sight, he nodded his head in approval and sat down at the desk to do some homework. James and Sirius were lying on the carpet playing a game of exploding snap, which they had renamed "exploding snape" and altered the appearance of the cards in a way which made Snape wonder about their homicidal tendencies. They kept moving themselves so that they were in the way of Remus Lupin, who was pacing the length of the room quickly, whimpering ever so slightly as he did so, and constantly tripping over Potter and Black. Finally, Peter, who was doing his best to study (A/N: what's up with all these people doing homework on a friday? codswallop! hee hee, that word sounds so dirty), gave an exasperated sigh and slammed his book shut.  
"Remus, we all know what you need to do, so just go do it!"  
Remus stopped pacing, but was shifting nervously from foot to foot. "I don't want to make a distraction," he said timidly. His eyes were flickering over to Snape once too often.  
Sirius laughed. "Like you're not doing that already! Just do it, Remus. We don't mind. I think it's cool, actually." He gave his friend an encouraging smile.  
"I just...It's only..." Remus stammered, his eyes flickering back to Snape.  
"He laughs at you, and we'll pound him," James said, sliding a warning glance at Snape.  
Remus stood rocking back-and-forth in a moment of indecision, muttering quietly to himself.  
"Just get it out of your system. You'll feel better," said Peter.  
"All right. But I'll go in the next room," Remus finally said, and practically sprinted into the wash room.  
Severus was confused. Like, I just ate a wild patch of mushrooms, confused, and where did all those pink bunnies come from? Yeah, THAT kind of confused. Except, he wasn't high. Anyway, I'm just dragging this out, aren't I?  
"Yeah. It's sort of pathetic. I mean, if you're going to write, just write already!" Sirius said to the author.  
(A/N: shut up you)  
"Make me," he challenged.  
(A/N: .... .......... ...................... AHAHAHAHAHAHA! DON'T YOU KNOW HOW EASY THAT WOULD BE FOR ME?! I *CAN* MAKE YOU SHUT UP! but i won't. okay, back to the story)  
All was silent for a moment, in which Severus turned back to his homework. Suddenly, an eerie sound sliced through the silence.  
"AAAAAAOOOOOORRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOO" (a/n: that's a howl, if you can't figure it out)  
Everyone in the room did one of those full body shivers. "God Almighty that's creepy," breathed Peter.  
Severus was rather inclined to agree. A new idea crossed his mind. If he wasn't annoyed to death, or murdered by Black and Potter, he just might be eaten as a midnight snack. Things were starting to look bad. Then again, at least it wouldn't be a long trip into the after life. After all, he was already in hell. There's a bright side to everything. :)  
Remus reentered the room, smiling, and looking rather pleased with himself.  
"I give it a ten," Potter commented.  
"Me too. One of your better ones," Black agreed.  
"Um...I've got to say...about an eight," Peter said.  
Remus glared at him sharply, his brow furrowing as he did so.  
"Uh, I mean, eight and a half?" Peter asked nervously.  
Remus gave a dissatisfied grunt and sat down on the rug. Peter crawled over to join them. They looked expectantly at Severus, who was still seated at the desk.  
"What?" he asked, highly annoyed. (but not to death. wow, that's getting old. forget i said it)  
"Join us. We'll play a game!" Black chirped cheerfully.   
Snape gave a disbelieving stare for a moment, and then went and sat on the carpet. Well, if you can't beat them, tolerate them.  
"Great! Okay, what do we want to play?" Black said, rubbing his hands together in an expectant way (for the second time this story, no less).  
"Is there a choice?" James sneered. "We have to play `I've Never'!"  
"Which is?" Snape asked.  
Peter gasped. "You've never played, `I've Never'?"  
"No, I never have," he snapped.  
"It's easy," Black said, passing out bottles of some highly carbonated drink. (A/N: no alcohol in my stories. i find caffeine highs to be MUCH more fun) "You just make a comment about something you've never done, and anyone who's done it takes a swig. Example, `I've never scuba dived.' Anyone who had, would drink to it. Okay, you go first, Sevy."  
They all looked expectantly at Sevy (A/N: which is what he'll be called for the rest of this story, because I'm getting tired of debating whether I want to call him Snape or take all the finger muscle to type out Severus). "Okay....I've never played `I've Never'," he said.  
The Marauders all took a swig. "That wasn't very good, but you'll get the hang of it," James said. "Okay, my turn. I've never...." he thought. "Ah ha! I've never slept with a teddy bear at fifteen years old."  
Peter took a drink. "You're kidding me," Sevy said disgustedly.  
"Nope," he said, pulling a bright blue bear from behind his back. "His name's Boo Bear."  
"Oh good God."  
"Okay! My turn!" Remus chirped. "I've never kissed another man."  
Sirius took a drink.   
"Explanation. Now," Snape demanded.  
"Read `Wrong On So Many Levels'. You'll understand then," Sirius said. "Does anyone else find it sickening how the author keeps putting shameless plugs for her stories in other stories?"  
"Stories? Author?" They all began to question. (A/N: ha ha, dumb ass, they can't hear me like you can)  
"Shut up," Sirius muttered. "My turn my turn. I've never...worn spiderman underwear."  
James drank. "I wish you'd forget that. I was only eleven years old."  
"Precisely. You were eleven years old."  
"My turn!" said Peter. "I've never seen another man in the shower."  
"IT WAS A BLOODY ACCIDENT!" Remus yelled. He swore and took a drink. So did Sevy. All eyes looked at him, expecting an explanation.  
"Also an accident," Sevy explained.  
"Sure it was. What happened, Lucius couldn't get all the shampoo out of his hair, or do Crabbe and Goyle not know how to bathe themselves yet?" James sneered.  
Severus burned with rage. "No! Let's see, how can I pay you back for that....oh I know. I've never slept with Lily Evans."  
All eyes turned expectantly towards James. Cricket.....cricket.....cricket.....bull frog....llama (just to toss things up). James didn't move. However, someone else did. Remus took a tiny little sip. James turned white.  
"YOU DIDN'T!"  
"Oh, yeah, I guess I sort of forgot to say something."  
"BUT....BUT....BUT...that was supposed to be my job!"  
"Well, you know that time last year when you a Lily broke up for about four hours...heh heh," Remus chuckled nervously.  
"Fine! I've never betrayed my best friend!" James said, furiously. Remus took another sip, just to make James happy.  
Then, all of a sudden, something really creepy happened. Peter's bottle of caffinated soda levitated off the ground, aimed it's nozzle at him, and sprayed him in the face. It quietly set itself down again. (A/N: hee hee, i did that. shh, don't tell)  
"What was that?" he gasped, wiping the soda off his face.  
"I think it was a sign," said James.  
"Oh...sure...um..." Remus did some quick ad lib. "I read about that in Divination, and when that happens, it's...um...a sign that you're supposed to forgive your friends for any wrongs they might have done." He looked at James in anticipation. Luckily for him, the caffeine was starting to kick in, and James was in a pretty good mood.  
"Hey, don't worry about it man. It's all about peace and love," he said, hugging Remus.  
"All right, my turn. I've never worn womens' underwear."  
Sevy and Sirius took a drink. "You're excuse?" Sirius asked.  
"Lucius dared me," Sevy responded. "Yours."  
"None."  
There was an eerie silence.   
"My turn!" Black said enthusiastically, the only person not disturbed by his last comment. "I've never killed and eaten live prey." He smiled at Lupin, who glared back over his bottle.  
"grumble grumble....not my fault....grumble...." he muttered. On a second thought, he took another sip. And another. And another. "Whoa, I feel gooooooooood."  
"Oh shit, a werewolf on a caffeine high," Peter groaned.  
"What was that?" he said, his ears perking up suddenly.  
"Uh, Remus, there's nothing there," Sevy said.  
"I'llgocheckitout!" he said very quickly and scrambled to his feet, running out of the dorm.  
"Uh-oh. Anyway," sighed Peter, "my turn, I guess. Um, I've never studied the dark arts." He turned expectantly towards Sevy, who took a great big swallow. Suddenly, he noticed that Black had been drinking constantly since his last line. Several bottles of the highly caffinated soda lay at his feet.  
"OHMYGOD," he cried, "where'd Remus go! I've got to go find him!"  
He got to his feet and threw himself around the room, looking in drawers, under beds, in closets-  
"Hey guys, looks like Remus isn't coming out of the closet," he said, after find the closets to be Remus-free.  
"That was lame," James commented.  
"I know."  
Just then, Remus raced back into the room. Unfortunately, because he was so pepped up on the damn caffeine, he ran right into Sevy and did a mid-air somersault, followed by a half-twist and a back flip.  
"You know, the dismount's always the hardest part," he said.  
"I give that a ten," James said.  
"Me too," Black agreed.  
Peter twiddled his thumbs nervously in remembrance of an eerily similar episode. "Um....ten?"  
"I love you, man!" Remus said, draping his arms around Peter.  
"Whoa, watch it, or the author's going to get jealous," Black sneered. Luckily for his sake, they were all so buzzed up on caffeine at this point to notice his wayward comment. For if they had, he just might have found himself wandering in the desert for forty years.  
"Bitch," Sirius said.  
The next thing he knew, he was in the middle of the Sahara, wandering aimlessly.  
(A/N: i warned you)  
"Okay okay, I'll behave," he promised. Instantly, he was back on the cushy red and gold carpet of the dorm room.  
James, Peter, Remus, and Sevy had all passed out on the rug. Sirius shooed away a few socks that were making a valiant effort to undo Peter's belt buckle (valiant considering that they have no thumbs). He collapsed next to his friends on the rug and passed out. All was silent. Cricket....cricket....cricket....llama.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
*blinking, chuckling nervously* heh heh, um, hope you liked it. (?) Okay okay, death threats and letter bombs can be sent to this address...grumbles as she writes down an address and presses it against the screen. hold on, next chapter coming. 


	6. I Didn't Mean To Touch Peter There, Hone...

Disclaimer/Notes: JK owns all characters `cept Ashley Mangin, who belongs in a cage. heh heh, I don't mean it, Ash. WOW! I can't believe all the reviews this is getting! Thanks! Hey, while you're at it.... I have eight other fics that could do with some reviewing....Don't be shy!  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
SATURDAY  
JONES TOWN, THE MORNING AFTER  
Five bodies lay stretched out on the rug. I'll give you three chances to guess who they are. Go on, guess.....(humming as I wait)  
"Shut up!" Sirius mumbled, not opening his eyes.  
Okay, you know what? Sirius has insulted me a few too many times in this story. And he's about to get his share of the vengeance pie. As much as I hate to do this to the one I love.....  
Sirius sat up, looked around, and screamed. Curled up in his arms was Re-  
(A/N: nope, can't do it. call me a sissy, i don't care)  
Remus Lupin woke up on the other side of the room. REALLY.  
"Thank God, that was close," Sirius said, standing up. "Whoa, caffeine hang over."   
"Whas goin on?" Sevy mumbled.  
"Nothing, thanks to our kind, loving author that knows I like girls," Sirius said, smiling up at the ceiling.  
Oh yes, that reminds me.....  
The door to the bedroom flung open and in ran (dum dum dum!) Ashley Mangin.  
"SIRIUS!" she shrieked. "I stole that wallet fair and square!" She tackled him, putting both knees on his chest. "You keep stealing my stolen items, and I'm going to start dating Rupert Grint!" (A/N: i'm sure you'd love that, ashley!)  
"Fine, fine. It's on my bed," he said, throwing her off. She followed him, a demonic glint in her eye. (when isn't there?) The curtains were pulled around the bed, a silencing charm cast, and then there was nothing. Sevy figured he wasn't getting his wallet back. The wallet came flying out from between the curtains and hit him in the head. The two crazies did not emerge. For a long time. (A/N: because they had started a rousing game of chess, of course. yeah, that's it....)  
James woke up, yawned, and stretched, hitting Sevy in the head while he did so.  
"Where's Sirius?" he asked.  
Sevy pointed to his bed. "With Ashley."  
"We're going to leave that one alone," James said slowly. He eyed Remus, and decided he looked too happy and contented asleep. So, he had to wake him up. "Good morning, Remmykins," he said in a sickeningly sweet tone, grabbing Remus' nose and wiggling it. To his surprise, Remus woke up right away.  
"Good morning, Jamsiekins," he said, putting James in a headlock and giving him a noogie. (A/N: y'all know what a noogie is, don't you?)  
Peter woke up and got out of the way, to ensure he wasn't getting a wake up call.  
"I'm going to take a shower," Remus said in a decisive tone.  
"You do that!" James responded.  
"I think I will also," commented Peter.  
And so, Remus and Peter got in the shower. (Seperately)  
"Well, duh," Sirius said, poking his head out of the curtains surrounding his bed. He disappeared again.  
Suddenly, a short, blond girl wearing muggle clothes opened the door and walked in. Eyeing the light blue teddy bear pajamas on the floor, I asked, er, I mean, *she* asked, "Where's Remus?"  
"In the shower," James said, casually.  
"You know who this girl is?" Sevy asked.  
"No," James answered.  
"Are you a muggle?" Sevy implored, stepping in front of the door to the shower room.  
"As a matter of fact, I am," she answered. "Now get out of my way."  
The girl pushed him aside and went in the shower room, shutting the door behind her. They heard two screams, one masculine and one feminine, and the girl came running back into the bed room. "Ew ew ew ew ew ew EW! You didn't tell me Pettigrew was in there!" she screamed at James. She took a deep breath. "Okay, I'm ready this time." She opened the door and prepared to step back inside.  
"OH NO YOU DON'T!" Sirius yelled. He jumped out of bed, jumped back INTO bed, zippered up his pants, jumped back OUT of bed, and tackled the muggle girl. "You heard Dumbledore, you leave Remus alone!"  
"But-but-but," she stuttered, clawing for the shower door.  
"Oh, hey Evie," Ashley waved as she exited the room.  
"'Sup Ashley," Evie waved back.  
"Oh my God, how many creepy, unknown people are going to show up in this story?" Sevy sighed.  
"Oh, this? This is the author," Sirius said, and he casted a spell to bind Evie's hands and feet. He sat her on the trunk at the end of his bed.  
"Aw, Sirius, hunny," she cooed, "I wasn't going to *do* anything."  
"Yeah, yeah, I believe you," Sirius said cynically. "This coming from the same girl who landed me in the Sahara desert last night."  
Sevy was VERY confused, and rightfully so. James didn't pay any attention. He had learned over the years that for the sake of his own sanity, it was best not to search for any deeper meanings in the ramblings on of Sirius Black.  
Peter and Remus came out of the shower room, fully dressed and smelling like daisies.  
"Her!" Peter yelled, pointing a finger. "You guys are NOT going to believe what she did to me!"  
"Oh, weren't going to *do* anything, huh Evie?" Sirius accused.  
"Well, not to him! It's not my fault! I thought he was-" she stopped when she saw Remus and blushed rather deeply. There was laughter all around, except from the poor little muggle girl.  
"That's it, Evie, you've reached your final straw," Sirius said, dragging her off the trunk. "I'm doing this for your own good, you know." He shoved her into a closet.  
"But, but, Sirius! There are socks in here!" she cried. "And it's dark!"  
"Aw, you didn't have to do that," Remus said.  
"It's for your protection, wolfman. Trust me on this one," Sirius said.  
And so, the poor muggle author-  
"You can stop referring to yourself in third person, psycho," Sirius said. "We all know it's you."  
And so, I was trapped in a dark closet, fearing the socks of my own creation. And I couldn't write anymore, obviously, because I was stuck in the aforementioned closet. Next chapter coming soon, if I ever get let out.  
"Never!" Sirius cried. "AHAHAHAHA! Now who's getting the vengence pie?!"  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
that was so wierd. maybe you liked it. review it, please. if you didn't like it, i'll take out the self insertion, although that'll really depress me, because i have something nice planned for myself in the next chapter. oh, and after i leave the story, the boys are going to play another game with lily and ashley. a game so horrible, i can barely speak it's name. okay, here goes.... TRUTH OR DARE. (shiver) i'll give you a hint....someone's getting a hair washing. see you soon...... 


	7. The Truth About Dares - Night Three

Disclaimer/Notes: I don't own any Harry Potter characters. I'm not sure what the price of this story is on ebay, but it's gone up last time I checked to a whopping $13.46 thanks to all your kind reviews! I don't know when I'll get the chance to post the chapter that I'm writing now because our internet is down! Worse comes to worse, I'll do it at the library. Okay, here we go. You'll need to prepare yourselves for this one.  
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It was dark. Very dark. I was cold. Very cold. And scared. Very scared. And hungry. Just a little bit hungry.  
I was still stuck in the closet. The socks, which my own demonically guided hands had brought forth into this world, were watching as my precious life drained away, waiting until I was weak enough for them to overpower me. These creatures, these beasts, which I had created for mine own amusement now had the control of my life laid before them like a Thanksgiving turkey. They had come; my few final hours. The desperation and depression sank in as a maddenning spirit took over my thoughts, and possessing my desires. Other thoughts slipped away, leaving one burning obsession to burn like....some burning thing....in the back of my mind. All I wanted...was life.  
"For the love of Pete, how dramatic can a person get?" Sirius groaned.  
OH SHUT UP! I wouldn't be in this situation if it wasn't for you, you bloody prick! Wait until I get my hands I you, I'll rip you from limb to limb you ungrateful excuse for a character!  
Sirius sighed and covered his ears with his hands, hoping to block out the lunatic in the closet. Things were starting to look bad for his own sanity. Thirty minutes later, he was rocking back and forth, humming to himself, when Sevy, James, and Peter came back into the dorm. They had been out on a food hunt.  
"Um, Sirius?" James tenatively put a hand on his shoulder.  
"Yes?" he said, as though nothing had been wrong.  
"Could you maybe stop that? It's kind of scaring me," James admitted.  
"Sure, not a problem."  
"What'd you do with Remus?" Peter asked suddenly.  
"What do you mean?" Sirius pondered, a truly innocent expression on his face.  
"When we left, you were sane, well, as sane as you normally are, and Remus was sitting at the desk. Now that we've returned, you're off in La-La Land, and Remus can't be found."  
Just then, the closet door opened, and Remus came stumbling out, looking rather pleased with himself.   
Sirius paled and asked in a horrified voice, "Remus, please tell me the only reason you were in the closet was because you couldn't find a clean shirt."  
Remus just giggled. Yes, giggled.  
"DEAR GOD NO!!!!! Why, Remus, why'd you do it?!" He grabbed Remus and shook him by the shoulders.  
"Um.....hormones?" he suggested.  
"Such an innocent, young boy," Sirius started to cry, pulling Remus into him. "I should have protected you better, I'm sorry."  
As he sobbed into Remus' hair, who didn't see what the big deal was anyway, Ashley Mangin crept into the room and entered the closet. (although for a much different reason than Remus) A minute later, she came back out.  
"Ah ha!" she declared, holding a knife in the air.  
"Oh my God, you killed her?" asked Peter, mortified.  
"No, stupid, she untied me!" I said, pouncing out of the closet.  
"YOU!" Sirius said, pointing an accusing finger. "What did you do to our Remus?"  
"Can't say," I said. "It's a PG-13 story, for crying out loud."  
And with that, I disapperated from the room.   
Suddenly, a girl with big front teeth and bushy brown hair showed up in the room. "How many times do I have to say it? You CAN NOT apperate or disapperate on Hogwarts grounds!"  
The five boys turned around to stare at her (Ashley had fled the room). She stared back, and then groaned, "Oh no, is this another one of those fics in which I go back in time and end up falling in love with Remus or Sirius or Snape? Good grief!" She stormed out of the room and was gone forever (from this fic).  
The rest of the day passed with out much incident. Sirius sulked because he was so upset with Remus (A/N: And God knows we could all think of several reasons why, but we'll just say it was because he hates or loves me (i haven't figured that one out yet) and now considers Remus to be a traitor. The relationships in this story are becoming too twisted to make it anything else.), James snogged with Lily, Sevy and Remus studied (dorks), and Peter backstabbed five of his non-important friends that we never heard about. Basically, what I'm trying to say, is that the whole day has gone by, and nothing funny has happened. I'm sorry I didn't write that better, but it's really hard to just suddenly make it nighttime.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~LATER THAT NIGHT~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Oh, okay, so it isn't that hard. Sevy, James, Peter, Sirius, Remus, Lily, and Peter had all gathered `round on the infamous red and gold rug and were deciding what game to play.  
"Truth or dare," Ashley said.  
"Okay," everyone else said. They were in a very agreeable mood, I guess.  
"Who wants to go first?" she asked.  
"Ooh! Ooh! I do!" Peter said, waving his hand about in the air.  
"Okay, go."  
"Umm.....James. Truth or dare?" Peter asked, gidy as a school girl.  
"Dare," James said. "I'm a daring guy."  
"Fine then, but you're going to wish you hadn't done that," Peter said slyly. "I dare you to kiss anyone in this room, besides Lily."  
James' lip curled. He looked at Ashley, who was being held protectively at Sirius' side. "C'mon, Sirius," James sighed. "You kissed my girlfriend before, back in fourth year." (A/N: references to that incident come from my story "Wrong On So Many Levels")  
"Yeah, and you gave me a bloody nose for it, too! AND I had to kiss Remus to keep you from being all paranoid about it!"  
James looked at Remus, who put a hand over his mouth and wildly shook his head. After glancing at everyone in the room (no one was willing), James stood up, turned around, and proceeded to make out with himself for about thirty seconds. He sat back down, feeling rather clever.  
"That's not fair!" laughed Peter. "I'll give you credit for creativity, though."  
"Thanks," said James. "Lily, truth or dare?"  
"Dare," she said, a mischievious glint in her eyes.  
"Give me a kiss."  
She pecked him on the cheek. "Sevy, truth or dare."  
"Wait wait wait," interrupted Sirius. "That doesn't count. James went easy on her because she's his girlfriend."  
"Yeah, so?" James said.  
"Dare," grumbled Sevy. He was hoping no one would pick him.  
"Good. I dare you to let us wash your hair!" she exclaimed.  
Sevy put on a look of indignation. "My hair just grows this way! It's natural! You all believe Potter when he says that!"  
"I like James' hair," Lily said, scratching his head.  
Sirius and Remus each grabbed Sevy by an arm. "C'mon then," Sirius said, dragging him into the wash room. The rest of their merry little gang followed.  
"Let me go!" he said as they dunked his head into a sink. Lily turned on some warm water and grabbed a bottle of vanilla sented shampoo.  
"You're actually going to touch it?" Ashley whispered.  
"I guess I have to," Lily whispered back, rubbing the shampoo into her palms. She took a deep breath, and plunged her hands into Sevy's scalp.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~30 MINUTES & 2 BOTTLES OF SHAMPOO LATER~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"See there, that isn't so bad!" Lily said after drying Sevy's hair. He was very disgruntled. "Even smells like vanilla!"  
"That's the worst part," he mumbled as they settled back on the red and gold rug.  
"Now you get to take out your anger on someone else though!" Remus cheerfully pointed out.  
"Yes, but who?" he pondered, angrily eyeing everyone in the room. "You, Lupin!"  
"Why me?" he asked.  
"You're just too damn happy all the time!"  
"Good enough for me. I pick truth," he said.  
"Fine. What's your darkest secret?"  
Remus laughed. "Duh! I'm a werewolf!"  
"Yes, but that's not a secret," Sevy pointed out. "Everyone here knows it."  
"He's right, Moony," James said. "Try again."  
"Oh, well then," Lupin said, much less happily. "I guess," he lowered his eyes in shame, "I once tried to eat Sirius."  
"You're kidding me!" James exclaimed.  
"Why didn't you tell us?!" Peter squeeked. "I didn't think you were dangerous!"  
"I don't believe this!" groaned Lily.  
"ONCE?!" Sirius said, more outraged than the rest of them. "ONCE?! The hell it was only once! We're making it into a weekly event!" (A/N: references made about eating sirius come from "moony's midnight snack") "And if you make one more shameless plug in this story, I'm going to hunt you down and skin you!" Sirius shouted, shaking a finger at the ceiling. (A/N: ingrate)  
"Anyway," Remus said quickly, hoping to get off the subject. "Ashley, truth or dare?"  
"Truth," Ashley said.  
"Where are you from, and why are you here, and how is it that you're a muggle?" he asked hurriedly. "Oh, and how can I get in touch with your blond friend that was in the closet?"  
"First off, I come from a place so gruesome, so wretched, that I can barely speak the name," she said.  
"Hell?" breathed Peter.  
"Worse. Iowa."  
"You poor thing," Sirius said, patting her on the back. She bit him.  
"Second, I'm here because the author needed some one to insert into this story, and she happened to be talking to my sister on the phone when she thought of it," she answered the second question.  
"Third, I was born a muggle, raised a muggle, and will die a muggle. That's why I don't attend any classes," she said. She scribbled something on a piece of parchment. "And Remus, this is her cell phone, her pager (A/N: i have a pager? cool!), her e-mail, her telephone number, her social security number, her webpage, name of her employer, and her home address."  
"Er, thanks," he said rather embarresed-like and quickly put the paper into his pocket. (A/N: once again, do wizards have pockets?!)  
"Lily, truth or dare?" Ashley asked.  
"Truth," she answered, a mischievous glint in her eyes.  
"If you had to date anyone in this room besides James, who would you pick?"   
James made a noise of indignation. "No! Mine! All mine!" he said, grabbing Lily around the waist.  
"Oh my God, he's regressed again," Lily groaned.   
"It's me, isn't it, Lily? I know it's me!" Sirius said proudly.  
"It is NOT you. I can't stand you," Lily insisted. "I'd have to say....Remus."  
Remus blushed and hid his head not only out of embarresment, but because Sirius was trying to rip it off.  
"We all know why that is," Peter said slyly.  
"Why?" James asked.  
"Well, you know what Remus said last night, about those four hours where you and Lily broke up."  
Lily gave Remus an I-don't-believe-you look.  
"I had to! We were playing 'I've Never'," he said. This seemed to satisfy Lily.  
"Wait wait wait, what do you mean about those four hours?" James asked.   
Sirius started laughing like a madman. "You forgot everything because of the caffeine buzz! Ha! Looks like Remus got lucky! TWICE!" He was in hysterics. "Get it? He got lucky twice!"  
"Yes, we all get it," Sevy answered dryly.  
"Did I miss something?" James asked, much bemused.  
"No!" Lily and Remus both said at once. "Lets move on, shall we?" Lily suggested.  
"No way! I'm sleepy, I'm going to bed," Ashley said, and stood up to stretch.  
"Thank God," Sevy mumbled.  
"What was that?!" she screeched.  
Not bothering to wait for an answer, she jumped on him and proceeded to beat the crap out of him. Lily did her best to stop the fight, but Sirius held her back.  
"Go on, Ashley! Hit him again!" he yelled.  
"You're her boyfriend, how come you aren't doing this for her?" Lily asked.  
"Because she'd beat me up, too!"  
Finally, James decided to have a little mercy on Sevy and pulled Ashley away just as she made the pivotal kick at his balls. Sevy curled up in a ball on the floor.  
"Psycho bitch," he muttered.  
Lily dragged Ashley out of there, who was threatening everyone in sight and cursing harshly enough to make a sailor blush.  
After they had left.....  
"So, what was that all about in those four hours we were broken up?" James asked Sirius.  
"Oh, that's right! Well, our boy Remus here-"  
"Oh no you don't!" Remus yelled, pulling his wand from out of his sleeve. He shot off three quick spells.  
James started scratching himself all over, obviously the victim of an itching curse that would keep him preoccupied. Sirius screamed and looked down his pants. He semed to have a much bigger, or, I guess you could say, SMALLER problem.  
"WHAT THE F--- DID YOU DO?!" he yelled.  
"¿Qué es?" Peter asked. His eyes widened in shock. "¡Dios mio! Estoy hablando español!"  
Sirius ignored Peter and grabbed Remus by the throat. "Fix it now, Remus! Fix it now or you die!"  
"Aw, we wouldn't want Ashley to be disappointed, now would we?" Remus snickered. Sirius tightened his grip. "Only if you don't remind James of that little incident," he said. "That goes for you, too," he pointed to Peter.  
"¿Que? Yo no creo hablo inglés," he explained.  
"Sorry, buddy, I don't speak Spanish," Remus laughed. With a flick of his wand, he erased his wrong-doings.  
Sirius ran out of the room, into the bathroom, and after a moment he heaved a sigh of relief. (A/N: the whole thing with sirius is a reference to Marauders:Exposed) "I hate that story," mumbled Sirius.  
"What'd you say?" asked Peter. "Hey! I'm speaking English!"  
"No shit!" Sevy exclaimed, mocking his excited tone.  
"Well, I think that's enough for tonight," James said, climbing into bed. "Good night all."  
There was a chorus of "good night"s, and the lamps were turned off. Sevy laid in the dark, and was appalled when one thought imparticular sailed into his mind-  
"Should I have been a Gryffindor?"  
Sevy sat up immediently and banged his head against the wall until he lapsed into unconsciousness. His four new "roomies" huddled around his unmoving body.  
"Well, I knew it was going to happen sometime," James said in a resigned tone.  
"He had to go insane," Sirius said.  
"It was only a matter of time," Remus added.  
"Shouldn't we, you know, take care of him or something?" Peter asked.  
"Oh, we'll take care of him, alright," Sirius said, an evil grin coming over his face. "Open the window and grab the rope, boys. We have work to do."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
hope you liked that. i sure did. :) one or two chapters left. i'll get back to you soon. 


	8. The Legend of Joey C., As Told to a Man ...

Disclaimer/Notes: I don't own any of the characters in this story, including Ashley Mangin, because she is a real person. Also, this story has jumped to $23.82 on ebay, just so you know. I'm very pleased with it.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Sevy woke up the next morning, or, I guess we should say that he woke DOWN. He looked down and saw the sky. He looked up and saw the ground. That's right kiddies, Sevy was suspended upside-down from a window in Gryffindor tower...in his boxer shorts. No, not even his own boxer shorts. They were red boxer shorts with pink hearts, and they definitely did not belong to him. To make it even worse (as if it were possible), a group of Slytherins had congregated below him, laughing as he frantically swung himself, trying to get back in the window. But it was useless - he was too far down the side of the wall.  
"Good morning!" someone called from the direction of his feet.  
Sevy looked down, er, up. Sirius' smiling face was stuck out the window, and he waved enthusiastically to Sevy, and then to the other Slytherins.   
"Black!" Sevy screamed. "Black, you let me down from here!"  
"Let you down? Wouldn't you rather be let up?" Sirius laughed.  
"I don't care! Just cut the rope quickly so I don't have to endure this embarrassment any longer!"  
The Slytherins, although they could not hear the argument going on above, were howling with laughter. Sevy wanted to puke when he saw Lucius in the crowd, laughing along with the rest.  
"But, Sevy," Sirius cried, "it's such a nice day outside, don't you want to enjoy it?"  
"NO I DO NOT!" Sevy screamed. "Bring me inside now, or the whole school finds out about your friend's little `inner wolf'."  
"Fine fine," he mumbled, twisting his head to face someone inside. "Let him up, James."  
"Already?" Someone inside asked, presumably James.  
"Yeah. He used the lyconthropy threat."  
"BASTARD!" Remus yelled out the window, shaking a fist and nearly knocking Sirius out of the tower.  
They tugged on the rope until Sevy was back in the tower. He almost fainted when all the blood came rushing back into his body.  
"What....the...hell....was...that...for?" he gasped.  
"Cuz," Peter simply answered.  
"Yeah, we didn't really have a reason," Sirius said.  
"I did! I wanted to test your endurance at high altitudes. I was wondering if all that time down in the dungeons affected the weight and volume of your head," Remus said, grinning like a fool.  
Anger surged through Sevy. "Fine, Lupin, how about we test you at something!"  
Remus turned suddenly, giving him a cool gaze, and spoke in a calm, measured voice. "A census taker tried to test me once. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti."  
James and Peter drew back, and Sevy huddled on the floor in fear. However, Sirius-  
"Aw what the shit is this?!" Sirius exclaimed.  
"What?" Remus asked, oblivious.  
"He gets to quote movies and sound cool while he does it, but I have to sound like a dumb ass? It's not fair!" Sirius whined. (A/N: references from "Something Wrong in the State of Hogwarts", which NO ONE has read)  
"Well, the whole `You can't handle the truth' thing is sort of overused," James explained. "Hannibal Lector quotes are still good, though."  
Sirius grumbled. "That's what you get for sleeping with the author, I guess." He turned to Sevy, who was cowering like a puddle of watery Jell-O on the floor, in the fetal position, sucking his thumb. "Nice boxers," he simply said.  
At that, Sevy went limp and his head banged against the floor.  
"Aw, dammit, we did it again. We drove another one insane," James sighed.  
Sevy suddenly snapped into alertness. "What do you mean, `another one'?"  
"Well, didn't you ever wonder what happened to our other roommate?" James asked.  
Sevy shook his head and sat on his bed. "No, tell me, please."  
"Okay, but I've got to warn you, it isn't a story for young children....." James said.   
"To all you youthful readers out there," Sirius interrupted, "what we're trying to say is GO AWAY."  
"Right," agreed James. "Now, gather `round, all, and listen as I tell the tale....of Joey C.  
"It all began with a little boy from upstate New York, name of Joey C. He was an all right kid, kind of small, a little shy, very wide-eyed and innocent.  
"Not for long though. After three months of living with us, he ran off into the wilderness and was never seen by the wizarding community again."  
"What happened to him?" Sevy breathed.  
"I guess his parents sent him to one of those muggle summer camps. He died there," James said, his voice full of mourning and sincerity.  
"How?"  
"Apparently, one of the counselors pulled him into the pit of the latrine and had his way with him for seven days before he was finally devoured."  
"Poor little Joey C," Remus weeped into his hands. "If only we hadn't driven him to insanity...."  
"Yeah, then we could have killed him ourselves instead!" Peter said cheerfully. "It's okay, I never really liked the kid."  
"Crikey, Peter! You could at least respect the memory of the mutilated and dead!" Sirius yelled.  
"I don't feel safe sleeping here anymore," Sevy said, biting his lip and looking nervously at each one of the Marauders.  
"You did in the first place? I admire your courage, because I never have," Remus responded.  
Sevy breathed deeply. Just one more night, that's all he had to suffer through. And he just might do it, there could be a light at the end of the tunnel...  
"Hey Sevy, nice boxers," Sirius sneered.  
And the light promptly went out. 


	9. The Arctic Menace (Part One) - Night Fou...

Disclaimer/Notes: I don't own these characters. This just might be the last chapter. Mucho gracias to all those who have reviewed!  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
One more night. If he could only survive one more night, Sevy would be free of this hell-hole. He would never have to return. And then, he could seek his revenge.  
Sevy was shaken by his thoughts as a quiet argument that had been going on in the corner exploded into a shouting match.  
"I didn't mean it that way, you psycho!" Sirius shouted, waving his hands in the air. "I simply meant that you don't seem to have too much of an interest in girls, so how come when this one comes along, a MUGGLE, for the love of Pete, you're all over her?!"   
"Dammit, Sirius, you're making me sound like I'm gay!" Remus yelled back. " `Don't have an interest in girls'...." he mumbled. "Yeah right. What would you know anyway. All you care about is Ashley!"  
"Don't bring her into this!"  
"Ashley Ashley Ashley!"  
"SHUT UP!"  
Sevy chuckled, but then highly regretted it.  
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?!" Lupin bellowed, shaking a fist at him. "I swear to God, you make one lousy comment, and I'll bash your head in! I swear to God I will!"  
"Fine fine I believe you," Sevy said. "Psycho," he muttered under his breath.  
"What's the matter, Moony?" Sirius asked cynically. "Losing your temper? Is it that time of the month again?"  
"You know what? You can go to Azkaban for all I care!" Lupin screamed. (A/N: i know...i know...)  
"Fine, maybe I will!" Sirius said, and turned to walk away. Except, something black, white, and fluffy found it's way under his foot.   
"EEEEEEYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWLLLLLLL!" Totes screamed. He hissed and screeched as Sirius picked him up and flung him high into the air.  
"Hey! Put my cat down!" Remus screeched, in a similar manner as his feline.  
"Why? Something might actually be important to you, other than HER?" Sirius yelled back, purposely holding the cat in a way that cats shouldn't be held.  
"Stop it, Sirius! She doesn't mean anything to me! Just put Totes down!" Remus pleaded. (A/N: and of course he didn't mean that, he was just lying to sirius to get the stupid idiot to put his cat down)  
"I heard that," Sirius grumbled in the direction of the ceiling. "Promise me you'll never see her again, and I'll give you the cat back." He wore a victorious grin.  
"Aw, c'mon Sirius! Stop it!" Remus begged.  
"Say it! Say you'll keep away from her! It's for your own safety!"   
Remus looked torn. He chewed on his lip, mumbled under his breath, and starting shifting uncomfortably where he stood. Sevy was very happy to see the Marauders fighting. He wondered why James and Peter weren't even watching the brawl. Maybe it happened too often for them to care.  
"Say it, Remus! Or the cat goes out the window!" Sirius opened the window with his wand. By this time, most of Totes' fight was gone.  
"Meow," he simply whined, his big green eyes fixing on Remus.  
Finally, Remus' control snapped, and he could take no more. No, he didn't transform or grow huge fangs or latch his teeth onto Sirius' throat. No, instead of these things, Remus regressed.  
"Gimme my kitty!" he said, dropping to his knees and extending his arms towards the cat.  
"Oh my God," Sirius groaned, handing him the cat. "That's so pathetic, I'm not even going to argue with you anymore."  
"Yippee!" Remus cuddled his cat to his chest and ran away from Sirius. He cooed the cat back to good senses in the corner.  
"You know," James spoke up suddenly, sensing that the fight had subsided, "we ought to do something special for Sevy's last night here."  
"NO! Oh please, for the love of Christ, don't do anything! No!!!" Sevy wailed.  
"Wow, chill out, man," James said. (A/N: hey, great, james is a hippie!) "I meant something fun, not a terrorist action!"  
"Oh...." Sevy replied, uncertainly.  
"James, you certainly don't mean..."Sirius trailed off.  
"Yes, that's right," answered James.  
"Don't you remember what happened last time we tried that?" Peter squeaked.  
"Yes! But wasn't it worth it?" James said.  
"It was..." Peter said. After a moment of indecisiveness, he added, "Okay, I'm in."  
"Me, too!" said Sirius.  
"And me," added Remus.  
"What about you, Sevy?" James asked. "It's your last night here, you have to go out with a bang."  
"And what exactly are your plans?" Sevy asked.  
"Why, penguin hunting, of course!" James said as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.  
"Oh, of course," answered Sevy. "I should have figured."  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Stay tuned for part two! I'm sorry, I know it's a big cliff hanger, everyone's worried about the penguin hunting, but I'll hurry up with it, I promise.  
While you're waiting, go read my other stories! "The Adventures and Misadventures of Snuffles" is pretty good. It's about Sirius when he goes to live with Harry at the Dursleys', except he has to stay in dog form. And he does act like a real dog....LOL. I like it. "Who's in Love With the Big Bad Wolf?" is a nice fic in which Hermione has a school-girl crush on Prof. Lupin. Also includes Remus' reaction to that werewolf essay Snape assigned while he was gone (snape gets what's coming to him!) and has a really good ending! Worth your trouble, I promise! Anyway, there's a bunch more stories, go read and review them all! Bye! 


	10. The Arctic Menace (Part Two) - Night Fou...

Disclaimer/Notes: I don't own these characters. Ashley Mangin is a real being, although I'm not quite sure she's human.... No one eats an Oreo Blizzard that quickly.....  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The five boys crept down a dark, silent hallway, pausing every now and then to listen.  
"This is where Moony's wolf senses come in handy," Sirius whispered to Sevy.  
Remus tilted his head back into the air, sniffed a few times, and shook his head. "Nothing," he murmured. He cocked his head and listened carefully. "Nothing."  
"Okay, let's try this way," James motioned with his hand.  
Sevy noticed that Sirius was holding a canvas bag. Whatever was in the canvas bag wanted out, and was thrashing ferociously.   
They tip-toed deeper into the castle, breathing shallowly as they crept along. Sevy, although he was being pulled into the excitement of the hunt, was skeptic of the Marauders' antics. "You guys don't actually expect to find any penguins, do you?"  
James whirled around, eyes wide with disbelief. "You mean....you've never seen them?"  
"Seen who?"  
"The penguins, of course!" he said. "They run rampant around this place!"  
"I had no idea," said Sevy, still rather unbelieving.  
"Well, they're basically nocturnal," Remus explained, "and very shy. You don't see them often unless you're looking for them."  
"And why do they need to be hunted?" Sevy continued, very confident now that he needed to make a few reservations at St. Mungo's.  
"Don't you understand anything?" Sirius asked. "Penguins live off students! Last year alone, three deaths resulted from penguin attacks."  
"Why didn't I hear about these deaths?" Sevy asked.  
"The Ministry wants to keep them hush hush. We Marauders have made it our job to rid Hogwarts of all evil penguins. We have to protect the student population, Sevy! Don't you see?"  
"Oh, of course. Why didn't I look at it that way," Sevy said to himself. He checked his pocket to make sure he had his knife. He wasn't afraid of the fictional penguins at all, but the four boys standing next to him were starting to pose a threat greater than an entire fleet of three-toed sloths.  
They continued on their search, when another question poked at Sevy.  
"Stop poking," he said, and threw the little question aside. The question stood up, huffed in an indignant manner, and stormed away to tell all his other question friends and his big brother, Exclamation, what had happened.  
Okay, so that didn't really happen, because questions can't actually be personified very well. Here's what happened.  
"What's in the bag?" Sevy asked Sirius. Sirius began to respond, but then-  
"Shh!" Remus said, halting the group. He stuck his nose in the air, sniffed, and said in a panicked voice, "Professor Fuller is coming!"  
Professor Fuller was the mean, nasty, awful head of Slytherin house. Everyone, besides the Slytherins, hated her. The five boys pushed themselves into a broom closet that could normally fit no more than two people. They held their breath as Professor Fuller stopped outside the broom closet, listened, and moved on, looking for students that were out past curfew so she could torture them. They uniformly sighed and tried to move out of the closet. This proved to be a hard task, as no one could find the door knob.  
"Hold on, I've got it," Sevy said, grabbing the knob.  
Peter made a terrified sort of whimper. "That's not the door handle!!!"  
"EW!" said everyone. (A/N: including me!)  
Sevy threw his hands into the air. "I didn't mean to! It was an accident!"  
"Oh, don't even try that. They'll never believe it," Remus said, sulkily.  
"Can we try to get out of here before Sevy molests anyone else?" Sirius asked.  
"Hey!" Sevy squeaked.  
By this point, James had found the door handle and all five of them went tumbling out onto the floor. As he looked up, an odd, unexpected sight met his eyes. Standing in the middle of the hall was one very frightened, very surprised penguin.  
The Marauders froze in shock for a moment, and then Sirius gave the battle cry. They lept up and started to chase down the penguin. Seeing that he was clearly outnumbered, the penguin started to quickly waddle in the other direction. Now, this was no ordinary penguin, and he waddled very quickly indeed. The boys ran after him, not paying attention to where they were going, just following the little black and white fiend down the corridors.   
After about ten minutes, they finally had it trapped in a corner. The penguin looked about, eyes darting wildly for an escape.  
"Okay, Sirius," James said slowly and quietly. "Let them out."  
Sirius lowered the canvas bag to the floor. With one swift motion, he opened it and stepped out of the way. About fifteen vicious socks came running out, pouncing on the penguin. They bit him until he was subdued, and then forced him into the bag. Sirius latched the bag shut.  
"Well boys, I think we've done a good job for the night," James happily announced. The other Marauders agreed, but Sevy just stood in a stunned trance.  
"I've never seen anything like it," he said, stupidly.  
Just then, Lucius entered the small classroom in which they had cornered the arctic menace.  
"Severus! There you are! My owl was trying for hours to reach you!" he whined. (A/N: wait a minute, he whined? didn't i say earlier that if he whined one more time this story, i'd make him pay for it? okay bee-yach, you asked for it! you know what to do, sirius)  
"Oh yes, yes I most certainly do," Sirius said. Pulling Lucius by the hair, he threw the whiny little punk into a closet, and tossed the bag in after him. The boys heard these sounds:  
"What's this? Aw, what a cute little penguin you are! Hey, don't do that! Hey! Don't bite me! Ouch! What the... a sock? Ouch! Ouch! Oooow! Mummy!"  
"We'll come back for him in the morning," Sirius decided, and the five left, leaving Lucius at the mercy of the socks. Oh, did I mention, socks have no mercy! (A/N: laughing maniacally)  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
I hope you enjoyed that nummy tib-bit of storyness. Oh, and Ashley, that thing...yeah. Next chapter, I promise. Okay Kiddies, one more chapter to go! 


	11. Thus Evening Came, and Morning Followed ...

Disclaimer/Notes: I don't own these characters. This story has been pulled from ebay; I don't want to sell it anymore. Ashley Mangin is a nut. (as in crazy, not as in salted or honey roasted)  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Thus evening came, and morning followed - the fifth day.  
  
"YES!" Sevy woke up the next morning, and the sunlight had never looked so bright. He had been reborn, life was beautiful, and flowers sprouted all around. He was leaving Gryffindor today.  
"What are you so happy about?" James asked sleepily.  
"I'm going back today! Ha! I made it through this alive, and I'm going back to Slytherin!"  
"Oh, yeah. Whoop-dee-frickin'-doo," James said, crawling out of bed.  
Sevy jumped out of bed and starting to throw his things back into the suitcase they'd came in.  
"What's goin' on?" Sirius stuck his head out from between his bed curtains. His hair was stuck at odd angles, making it almost as messy as James' usually was. Ashley Mangin's head poked out next to his.  
"Um, what's she doing here?" Sevy asked, figuring he already knew the answer.  
Ashley giggled. "Oh, uh, we had a pajama party," Sirius explained. They both laughed and disappeared from sight.  
Sevy usually would have taken the time to say something mean, or at least give them a dirty glare, but he was too happy to let anything interrupt his packing. Remus and Peter woke up.  
"Going back?" Remus questioned.   
"You know it!" Sevy cheerfully responded.  
"Sevy, you frighten me when you're cheerful," Peter said honestly.  
Sevy zipped up his bag. "Well, I'd better be off."  
"Sevy, are things going to change now?" Remus asked suddenly.  
"Yeah, that's what I was thinking, too," James said. "I mean, we've been rommates now, we know each other better, there's more understanding between us, ect. ect. Do you think we'll be able to get along?"  
Sirius popped out from behind the curtains and both he and Sevy glared angrily at James.  
"No chance in frozen hell," they said in unison.  
"Okay, okay, just wondering," James said, holding his hands up in defeat. "Maybe in the future."  
"Nope! Never!" Ashley said happily. "I've read all four books!"  
"What is she...never mind," Sevy said. "I'm leaving."  
"Good bye!" they called and waved as he exited Gryffindor.  
Sevy breathed a sigh of relief as he heard the portrait click shut behind him. Things would be easier now, back in Slytherin. Now he would have his friends with him to battle those Gryffindor brats, and life would once again be sweet.   
Sevy did not notice the white sock clinging to the back of his robes. Little did he know, his troubles were only beginning...... THE END (?)  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Ta-Da! Hope you liked it! Now, answer me this....would you like a sequel? I'll do another "Guest in Gryffindor", in which Draco has to spend a few nights in Gryffindor Tower with Harry and Ron...yadda yadda...basically same situation, different characters. I'll do it if I get enough requests, so make sure you review! Oh, and go read my other stories! They are full of zany, happy madness! Please read and review them all! :) See you soon! 


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